Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce
This
article has good brief sections on the Effects of Divorce on Children, Emotional
Stages of Divorce and Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce.
Grief
A
Natural and Necessary Process
Grieving Process
It is critically important to work through these five stages
of grief before one enters into another love-relationship. Loneliness, lack of
concentration, weakness and helplessness, depression, quilt, lack of interest
in sex, and perhaps as even the feeling of impotence or frigidity may accompany
grief. Self-criticism - a need to
continually question your errors and how you would relive the past differently
persist.
STAGE 1. The first reaction to the sense of loss is denial; "This isn't happening
to me. If I just wait a while,
everything will be okay and my lover will came
back." There is often a state of
emotional shock, numbness, and denial of happening, repressing anger and
becoming depressed. Best manners are
extended toward the former love-partner, in the hope that it is all a bad dream
and that person will not really leave I No one wants to tell friends and neighbors
that our love-relation-ship is ending.
Indeed we don't want to tell ourselves it is over.
STAGE
2. As one gradually begins to accept the ending
of a love relationship a feeling of anger develops. The anger that has been turned inward,
contributing to depression, is now turned toward others. Expressing the anger feels good, but there is
also concern that the other person will not return because of the anger, thus
some guilt and ambivalence. The
frustrations that have existed in the relationship for years begin to come
out. Friends may wonder how you have
tolerated that person when you have been so emotionally upset in the
love-relationship for so long. In turn,
you may go to great lengths to convince others how terrible your former partner
was, resulting in a "Catch-22" situation; you lose both ways. If you talk about how good that person is,
how do you stay angry? But if you say
how terrible that person is, then the question becomes why you chose to love
such a terrible person in the first place!
You have started working through the grief process when you admit and
express the grief anger.
STAGE
3. Beginning to face the fact that the
love-relationship is ending, yet reluctant to really let go, one may start
bargaining: "I'll do anything if
you'll just come back. “I'll change my
ways, and put up with anything. Just
take me back!" This stage is dangerous
for the divorce process because many people do get back together, for the only
reason—to avoid the loneliness and unhappiness of ending the
love-relationship. They are not choosing
to live successfully with the former love-partner, but rather choosing the
"lesser of two evils."
STAGE
4. Stage four of grief is a final letting go of
the love-relationship, and is, in a sense, the darkness before the dawn. Depression is typical during this stage, but
the depression is different from that of stage one. This depression is a "blahs"
feeling: "Is this all there is to
life?" There is much internal
dialogue about the moaning of life: "Why am I here on earth? What is the purpose of my life?" This is a stage of personal growth to build a
stronger identity, to find a deeper purpose for living, and to make life more
meaningful. A number of people feel suicidal during this stage: "I've tried so long and worked so hard,
and here I am down in the pits again. I
don't want to let go! "Because the stage sometimes comes so long after the
actual separation, people are surprised to feel so depressed again. It is discouraging to have worked so hard but
feel so little progress. I have found
that people who are aware of this stage get through it much easier. They are comforted to realize that there is a
purpose for the depression they are feeling, that it will not last long, and
that it is different from that of early-stage grief.
STAGE
5. This is the stage of acceptance of
the loss of the love – relationship. The
person has begun to feel free from the emotional pain of grief and to feel no
need to invest emotionally in the past relationship. Now one can begin
to move on up the mountain toward fuller personal freedom and independence.
Anger - is a
part of grief that results from the apparent unfairness of the loss. Anger
directed toward the former love-partner may approach rage in its intensity.
Suicidal feelings
are cannon during divorce grief.
Approximately three-fourths of the participants in the divorce seminars
admit to having experienced sane suicidal thoughts during their grief periods. Research indicates a much higher than normal
rate of actual suicides occurs among persons engaged in the divorce process.
All of
these feelings can be overwhelming!
Uncontrollable mood swings, loss' of reality, fantasies, depression, and
suicidal feelings...one may wonder fearfully, "Am I going
crazy?" For most people this is a
difficult fear to discuss. And holding
that fear inside makes it even scarier, even more crazy
feeling. The "craziness" Is a
real feeling, but is related to the situation rather than to a permanent
"psychological diagnosis!" You
may well be experiencing a normal grief reaction if you feel you are going
crazy.
These
grief symptoms may be handled by acknowledging them, accepting that they
indicate grief work to be done, allowing yourself to feel the pain without
denial Crying, shouting, and writhing are other nondestructive actions to
express your grief. Make a decision to
manage the grief by deciding on an appropriate time and place to do grief work.
Information
adapted from
Dr.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Post
Divorce Grieving & Healing1
Finishing
the Grieving: A key to life and Happiness after Divorce
Various resources
that will help you cope with your separation and grief
1. For
more information like this go to UptoParents.org